Feminist Decision-Making (Or: How I Decided to Change My Name After Marriage)

There is nothing either feminist or unfeminist, but thinking makes it so.

– Shakespeare, basically

Every so often there is a debate, a hubbub or even a furore about whether a woman changing her name after marriage is “unfeminist”.  The only unfeminist action I can think of is declaring “I’m not a feminist and I think all feminists everywhere should stfu” (or words to that effect).  Everything else – nope.  There is no Big Feminist Rule Book stating which things are and are not OK.  There is no feminist hive mind.  Individual women identifying as feminist will hold every opinion under the sun.

The key to making a feminist decision, in my opinion, is thinking, understanding and acknowledging.  So if you’re considering changing your name after marriage, acknowledge that this is an action which has historically indicated that a woman is possessed by a man, understand that there is still a lot of pressure on women to change their names after marriage and plenty of judgement for those who choose not to, and think about what giving up your name will mean for you.  After all that, if changing your name still seems like a good idea, go for it.

This process works for pretty much every other action which is sometimes labelled unfeminist.  You know: getting married, having babies, not having babies, being a stay-at-home mum, undertaking sex work, enjoying casual sex, engaging in BDSM, wearing a bra, allowing men to hold the door open for you (gosh, being a woman is fraught sometimes, isn’t it?)

Here is my story.  I got married at the beginning of last year, and I chose to change my name to that of my husband.  It was a decision made at the end of a conversation that lasted over a year and began with “You know I’m not taking your name, right?” “Yep.”  I had never considered changing my name after marriage.  In fact, I was one of those feminists who was boggled by the fact that so many women still chose to do so, when it seemed to me to be so unnecessary.

My partner and I got engaged and then spent just over a year planning our wedding.  During that time we really started to nail down what being married actually meant to us (possibly we should have nailed it down before we agreed to get married, but engagements are more about romance than logic).  The answer to that is wildly complex, hugely personal and way too much for a simple blog post, but the main thrust of it is: we were choosing each other as family.

That’s not where I made the decision to take his name, though.  Our surnames are often referred to as family names, but I know that a name is not what makes a family.  My mother, my sisters and I all share different surnames, but this sure as hell doesn’t make us any less family.

We all have different names firstly because my mother reverted to her previous name after she and my father split, and secondly because I chose to change my surname by deed poll back at the start of my 20s.  The name I chose wasn’t a surname anyone in our family had held previously, but it had a familial connection nonetheless, plus a wonderful feminist story attached to it and a certain amount of magic and uniqueness, and I loved it.  I’ve also changed my first name in the years since, although not legally (yet), and in the course of working in the sex industry I answered to many, many names.  So names have always felt a little bit nebulous and impermanent to me.

Anyway, once my then-fiance and I identified that one of the reasons we were getting married was because we were choosing each other as family, we started to consider the idea of a family name to reflect that.  I really liked the idea of choosing a whole new name just for us.  However, my husband has a very strong connection to his name for highly understandable reasons which go well beyond the usual “It was my father’s name, and his father’s before him, etc, etc” tosh.  He wanted to hold onto it, so we considered the idea of hyphenating.

I don’t know about hyphenating.  It’s become such a standard compromise both for couples getting married and for couples with different surnames to bestow on their offspring.  I wonder about the next generation, though.  When Jane Smith-Brown marries Kim Davidson-Howard, are they going to take the surname Smith-Brown-Davidson-Howard?  How long are birth certificates going to have to be when it’s time to register little Tabitha Jenson-Steel-Howick-Robinson-Cooper-Osborne-Myers-Jeffries’ birth?  Despite this, we would have likely pursued that option, but for the fact that my former name would, for various reasons, be difficult for my husband to pull off, shall we say.  And as we discussed the possibility, I found myself not wanting him to have ~my~ name.  It was a name that I’d chosen wholly for myself, and it was a name that was chosen as something of an act of independence from my family.  My surname wasn’t my family name; it was more of an anti-family name.  So it made no sense for my husband to take it as a symbol of the fact that we’d chosen each other as family.

And that’s when I got to thinking about how things were back all those years ago when I chose to change my name, and how I’d largely healed the rifts with my family, and how I’d sort of simultaneously felt like I’d spent so long drifting without a family exactly, and how my strange surname reflected that.  THAT’S when I made the decision to change my name.  Because I was no longer drifting, because I was choosing to anchor myself to someone (who was likewise choosing to anchor themselves to me).

I’m not going to claim it was a profoundly feminist decision.  But it was a profoundly personal and thoughtful decision made by a feminist, and thus it was definitely not unfeminist.

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3 thoughts on “Feminist Decision-Making (Or: How I Decided to Change My Name After Marriage)

  1. curiosetta says:

    > There is no Big Feminist Rule Book stating which things are and are not OK. There is no feminist hive mind. Individual women identifying as feminist will hold every opinion under the sun.

    This is one of the many criticisms of feminism. It is completely lacking an any guiding principles. There are literally no rules. Instead there is just a threat narrative about men, and every aspect of society is twisted to fit this threat narrative. The threat narrative is designed to make men feel powerful, privileged, shameful and guilty because that is the perfect combination to convince men they have a duty (‘reparations’ if you will) to serve women (He for She).

    Imagine if vegetarians were like feminists. Declaring yourself to ‘be’ a vegetarian is enough. You don’t have to actually do (or not do) anything specific. You know, like not eating meant or something like that. Just saying you support some vague idea about animal rights is enough to qualify as a vegetarian.

    We see feminists parade topless in public demanding the right to bare their breasts… meanwhile other feminists try to shut down some other women who like to pose for topless photos in newspapers. We see feminists demanding the right to vote, but not demanding the obligation to fight wars for the state which men had to agree to to get their voting rights. We see feminists complain about being ‘chained to the kitchen sink’ throughout history, yet none of them choose to do traditional man’s work like construction, farming, logging, fishing or mining. Could it be that the women of history shared their dislike of manual labour, and technology had not yet created lots of office jobs so they chose to stay in the home and send hubby out to break his back in all weathers to earn a wage and put food on the table?

    We see feminists saying are fighting for ‘gender equality’, yet not one of them has ever campaigned to end a gender inequality which happened to benefit women, or disadvantage men.

    We see feminists condemn men who hit women (and rightly so), yet many feminists defend their right to hit their own children (a far bigger size differential) and they are not thrown out of the movement. Neither are all the feminists who say they want to sterilise men or even genocide men down to about 5% of the population. And calling a man a pig, or a rapist or a savage beast is perfectly acceptable to feminists – yet if we labelled any other group that we we would be accused of hate speech (“blacks are animals” etc).

    The very fact that feminism is whatever you or I choose it to be is PRECISELY WHY feminism is as ridiculous as it is extremely dangerous.

    Feminists have direct influence over many key aspects of society from education, to healthcare, to the courts, to media, to the workplace and all the way up to the level of the UN……. and yet nobody can actually define what feminism is, what it wants and what principles (if any) it is based on.

    • Leena says:

      Feminism is an umbrella term, not a unified movement. Obviously. Women have different views on what equality looks like and how this should be achieved. Obviously. The equivalent is not “vegetarian” but “animal rights activist”. For some people, pursuing animal rights means avoiding eating meat. For others, it means raiding battery egg farms. Totally different actions, totally different outcomes, same basic premise.
      The rest of your comment is too laughably wrong-headed to address, but a) congratulations on managing to read the first paragraph of my post before launching into your reply; and b) thanks for illustrating what an unfeminist action looks like.

  2. Lindsay Ann says:

    I am actually in the same boat and really enjoyed your post. It’s interesting the dynamics women face when it comes to marriage, right? I think you make some very valid points and that women shouldn’t be made to feel less-feminist if they choose something like the above. That’s just silly. Feminism is a movement. Thus, it will be dictated by how individuals identify with it as a whole. Peace~

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